Context matters.

Human beings are story tellers. It’s in our nature.

We tell stories about ourselves, other people, our animals, events, you name it. Some of these stories have a lot of truth to them, some come more from our imaginations.

When someone does something that annoys us, we often tell ourselves a story about it. We have characters (them and us), setting (where and when it happened) and a plot (what happened – according to us). The other person is the baddie (antagonist) and as the narrator, we get to be the goodie (protagonist).

Sometimes we do the opposite. We cast ourselves in the role of the baddie and heap scorn upon ourselves for being so useless or mean or nasty.

We do the same with our dogs. They become characters in our stories too.

Facts will be unarguable. (The dog is a labrador. The person cut me off in traffic.) The meaning we get from the event, the emotion we feel, the way we play and replay it – that’s the story.

This really gets in the way of change.

Too often, we blame another person’s personality for their emotions and behaviour, while using situations to excuse our own emotions and behaviour.

Here’s an example.

If someone does something we don’t like, we often cast them in the role of the baddie. We decide they are mean, or irresponsible or stupid or a drama queen etc. (Usually we don’t know or don’t like that someone.)

If we (or someone we like) does the same thing, we often cast them in the role of the goodie/ victim. We decide it was the situation that made them do it. They were tired/ provoked/ ill/ over stressed/ caught by surprise etc.

We conveniently overlook that EVERYBODY says or does unkind, impolite, angry, irresponsible, disrespectful things at some time or other. Even ‘kind’ people can be unkind. Even ‘polite’ people can be impolite. I’m sure you get the picture.

Sure we all have personalities and previous learning and these absolutely affect our behaviour, but don’t underestimate the effect of situations.

As humans, we have a few more choices than dogs and we generally try to set up our lives so that we can show our best selves. We try to work in places we like, with people we like, doing things we like, eating foods we like... Even then things will go amiss from time to time and our not so best self will rear its head!

Dogs rely on us to work out what situations keep them behaving as their best selves and we don’t always get it right! Most of the time things work out okay, sometimes not so much. It’s important to recognise that situations affect their behaviour too and that is why time and again people are amazed because their ‘sweet’ dog bit someone.

My ‘sweet’ dog bit someone – what triggered it? What can I do about it?

That person cut me off in traffic – what triggered it? What can I do about it?

The dog’s emotions and behaviour we can work on, and we will, if we don’t just assume that because she’s a ‘sweet’ dog, the bite was not the dog’s fault and nothing needs to be done.

The person’s behaviour we can’t work on, but we can choose how we respond. Do we really have to hurl abuse or allow it to spoil our day?

Situations change.

There are times when I feel wonderfully confident and able to take on anything. I love those moments, but they’re fleeting.

There are other times when I feel ignorant, exhausted, and incapable. I thoroughly dislike those times, but luckily they’re generally fleeting too.

Usually I’m somewhere in the middle – not always neatly and tidily – lurching a bit one way or the other, but nothing extreme. When I’m feeling pretty good, I’m more tolerant, reasonable and forgiving and less likely to stress.

When I’m feeling low, I’m much less tolerant, reasonable and forgiving and will totally stress. That’s when I have to really work on managing my own behaviour, so that I don’t behave in a way I will regret later. Sadly I’m not always successful.

If you thought about it, you’d probably find that you are like that too.

Chances are, many (most?) other people you come into contact with, are also like that.

For everybody’s sake, including our animals, we have to stop slapping on unhelpful labels, and actually work with emotions and behaviour.

A person who thinks they’re kind may struggle to accept they have done something unkind, but they need to see that and own it, if they are to make any changes.

A person who thinks their dog is gentle may struggle to accept it’s a cat killer, but they need to see that and own it, if they are to make any changes.

A person who thinks they’re a responsible dog owner may struggle to accept they are doing irresponsible things, but they need to see them and own them, if they are to make any changes.

In this image, the dog wearing the 'nervous' harness looks anything but nervous. Emotions happen in a context.

I have a dream

I dream of a world where people have enough trust in each other to give honest feedback which isn’t intended or taken as a character assassination. It’s recognised as information intended to help that person reflect, think, learn and make wiser choices.

If I’m going to preach it, I have to do it too and I really, truly try! (Always a work in progress!)